Home again home again

Well, friends here I am. My heart is not broken, as I thought it would be, but I did make the journey back across the pond alone. I went to the majestic land of Scotland and I guess I found what I was looking for, in some weird, obscure way. I got my answer, even if it wasn't the one I have desparately hoped and prayed for all these years. None of my friends that I met up with over there had really kept in touch with him over the years. They didn't have a phone number, an address, only facebook, which we are still not sure he ever actually checks. One of them knew where he worked, and I went there. He wasn't there, but the nice man let me leave a note for him. My sweet friend whom I stayed with sent him a message on facebook every time we were going to be somewhere, what time we were going, and how long we were going to be there. Not only did he never show, but he never responded. To me that is a very clear statement. I was disapointed, but not shattered as I thought I would be. From some lengthy discussions with my friends over there, I have a feeling that he might have ended up not being the knight in shining armor that I made him up to be. Or as one my Scottish friends gallently worded it, maybe I just brought out the best in him. Regardless, not only did I not convince him that we were supposed to be together, I didn't even get the opportunity to see his face or have a conversation with him.

I was hoping for a lot and I was looking for something, at least closure. That, I think I recieved. Though I didn't see him or even hear his voice, I now am fully aware of the fact that he has moved on. He has a life that does not include me and I am surprisingly ok with that. Perhaps i was no longer in love with him, but simply the idea that he was as I remember him. Luckily, without actually having a conversation with, he can remain that way in my head, in my heart, and in my memories forever. For now, he will always be the most romantic boy I ever loved, until that changes of course. I will probably think of him everytime that I look to the sky and see the bright trio that is Orion's Belt. I have a feeling that somewhere in the back of his mind, he will be doing the same.

This is a good thing. I truly believe that now, I might actually be able to find another man that I am 100% capable of loving completely. I might actually be able to date someone that I can see myself with as opposed to the srting of men I have been dating. The ones that I know will never go anywhere so they are safe for me. I don't have to be completely vulnerable, I can keep my guard up. Hopefully now, I will be able to find a man who loves me and one that I can truly love in return. I promise to keep all of you updated and please don't worry. I will begin another blog and tell you all another story. Thank you for letting me tell this tale, and for at least pretending to care how it ended up. I might be alone, but my heart is not broken.