Home again home again

Well, friends here I am. My heart is not broken, as I thought it would be, but I did make the journey back across the pond alone. I went to the majestic land of Scotland and I guess I found what I was looking for, in some weird, obscure way. I got my answer, even if it wasn't the one I have desparately hoped and prayed for all these years. None of my friends that I met up with over there had really kept in touch with him over the years. They didn't have a phone number, an address, only facebook, which we are still not sure he ever actually checks. One of them knew where he worked, and I went there. He wasn't there, but the nice man let me leave a note for him. My sweet friend whom I stayed with sent him a message on facebook every time we were going to be somewhere, what time we were going, and how long we were going to be there. Not only did he never show, but he never responded. To me that is a very clear statement. I was disapointed, but not shattered as I thought I would be. From some lengthy discussions with my friends over there, I have a feeling that he might have ended up not being the knight in shining armor that I made him up to be. Or as one my Scottish friends gallently worded it, maybe I just brought out the best in him. Regardless, not only did I not convince him that we were supposed to be together, I didn't even get the opportunity to see his face or have a conversation with him.

I was hoping for a lot and I was looking for something, at least closure. That, I think I recieved. Though I didn't see him or even hear his voice, I now am fully aware of the fact that he has moved on. He has a life that does not include me and I am surprisingly ok with that. Perhaps i was no longer in love with him, but simply the idea that he was as I remember him. Luckily, without actually having a conversation with, he can remain that way in my head, in my heart, and in my memories forever. For now, he will always be the most romantic boy I ever loved, until that changes of course. I will probably think of him everytime that I look to the sky and see the bright trio that is Orion's Belt. I have a feeling that somewhere in the back of his mind, he will be doing the same.

This is a good thing. I truly believe that now, I might actually be able to find another man that I am 100% capable of loving completely. I might actually be able to date someone that I can see myself with as opposed to the srting of men I have been dating. The ones that I know will never go anywhere so they are safe for me. I don't have to be completely vulnerable, I can keep my guard up. Hopefully now, I will be able to find a man who loves me and one that I can truly love in return. I promise to keep all of you updated and please don't worry. I will begin another blog and tell you all another story. Thank you for letting me tell this tale, and for at least pretending to care how it ended up. I might be alone, but my heart is not broken.

Bon Voyage and All That Jazz

Well friends, here it is. The day I have been looking forward to with an anxious heart for weeks now. I leave tomorrow so let's all start praying this snow leaves and goes west. I am almost all packed and even though today is really shaping up to not be my day, everything will get done. I will get my currency exchanged, I will pick up my laundry, and everything is fine, right? The last time I went to Scotland, there was a strike in Amsterdam and we were rerouted to London the next day. Then coming home we missed our flight in Amsterdam and had to treck through Minniapalous where we spent the night and then flew to Memphis. This time I have successfully avoided any contact with Amsterdam, so everything will be fine.
I am nervous. I am excited. I am terrified. My sweet friend there has arranged a dinner for me to catch up with all of my friends that I met while I was there. Scottish guy recieved an invite. I hope he comes. I just know that I need to see him again. If he isn't the one then I'll know as soon as I see him. If I am the one, then I think he will know as soon as he sees me. If he shows up with a girlfriend in tow then we might have some tension, but I think all of those little details can be worked out.
I know that today of all days some of you would like to try and talk me out of trying to ensure that I see him. All I ask of you, my faithful followers, is that you keep those thoughts to yourself and send me only encouragement. I know it is asking alot, but right now with the snow looming over me and the bank not being aware of all of my funds, and my laundry not being done yet, and all of the little details, I really just don't need any negativity. I need support and encouragement. I know this is crazy because this is real life and not the silver screen, but there are tons of people in the world who claim that they married their soulmate or they definitely married prince charming. Who is to say that I can't be one of them?
I have written him a letter and in case I don't get to see him I will ask my sweet friend to make sure he gets it when I leave. I just have some things that I need to say to him and if I can't do them in person then I will make sure they get said somehow.
I must leave you now and finish up all of the little details. Wish me luck and I will let all of you know how it goes.
This is Shanna Riker, signing off.

Before happily ever after

Hello friends, I am sorry that I have been away for awhile. I had some friends in town this weekend and I was a bit distracted. Now I am back and ready to continue with my story. I have double checked with my friends and everything is in order. The hotels are booked, the plane tickets are here, the concert tickets are purchased and even the train tickets from city to city have been bought. There is officially no turning back now.
I have decided that it will all work itself out. If I don't see him then at least I will have a wonderful vacation while I am there. I know that at least two of the people that I am friends with in Scotland know where he is and how to find him. Everyone seems hesitant to bring it up and I have the feeling that none of them actually know what happened between us, or else they just aren't talking. One of my dear friends from Scotland has arranged sort of a reunion dinner for me with everyone that is still around the area and I have a feeling that he has been invited. I feel that I will let fate take its course and with a little help from my friends, I feel that I will at least be able to see him again.
Now I have no idea what would actually happen if he told me that yes he still loved me and wanted to be with me. What would we do? Would he move to New York City, or would I stay there? Would we do long distance until we could figure it out? These are the things that you don't see in movies. Before the happily ever after, there has to be some planning, some discussions, some thought. Happily ever after takes some effort, which I am willing to go through if we both want to be together.
I feel that if nothing else, I simply need to see him again. I need to know if I still get all tingly when I see him, and if he still gets all tingly when he sees me. I am certain that I will know just by seeing him whether or not I still have these massive strong feelings for him which I have held on to for all of these long years. I wonder if every scottish guy buys some girl a star. Maybe over there its the equivolent of a class ring or a letterman's jacket. I doubt it and I still feel that it was the most special gift I have ever received and I will be able to cherish forever. Every time that I look at the stars in the night sky, I will remember him and the memories we made together.
I am very excited about my trip, and definitely excited about the possibility of seeing him again and working out all of these feelings that I still have. Today I will leave you with a thought: "Trying to forget someone you have loved is like trying to remember someone you have never met."

All you need is love

II have decided after rereading my post from yesterday that I will not be sharing any more of those scenerios I have created in my head with you today. Maybe eventually, but not today. I realized that I might seem a tiny bit crazy in actually admitting those things out loud, even though I know I am not the only person who imagines things vividly in their mind. However, crazy is not the way to get the love of your life back. I went through a crazy spell with him once and we all know where that got me.
So, I have decided to handle this maturely and sanely. Now I only have one question... how exactly do I do that?
Do I try to go about this the way the protaganist would in a movie? Do I channel the Serendipity in all of us and just go based on a feeling, knowing that the time is right? Do I put on my 27 Dresses and go and crash a party he's at and then make my 'I Love You' speech into the DJ's microphone? Do I go Across the Universe, stand on top of a building and sing until he comes to find me? Do I return to Sweet Home Alabama and tell him I only want to Marry him so I can kiss him any time I want? Should I pretend I am 13 Going on 30, pull out my wishing dust and hope for the best?
I know that none of those situations are real, but all fiction is based somewhere in truth, right? The problem is, well one of many, is that I don't even know where to look. I am scared. I have held on to the this for so many years, and I am still convinced that he is the only one for me. What if he isn't? What if I find him again and I hate him.. or worse, he hates me? Dear friends, I am curious. What would you do?

An anxious heart

What am I , nuts? It suddenly occured to me that I am going back to Scotland. I am going to find a man that I haven't seen or heard from in six years. Oh my god. What if he doesn't want me? What if I can't find him? What if he's married?
Okay. I just slapped myself across the face, metaphorically of course, and I am better now. Just breath.
My plans are as finalized as they can be. I have plane tickets, hotel reservations, train tickets, and concert tickets. The only thing that I don't currently have is a plan. I have played out this situation over and over again in my head and over the next day or so I plan to share some of them with you. We all want a hollywood ending, a happily ever after, and a part of me, small that it is, knows that this might not happen. I am trying to prepare for anything, good or bad that could arise from me crossing the pond again and trying to find my soulmate.
Situation #1:
I find him in the bar that he works in as I walk in randomly to grab a beer before continuing my search. I go up to the bar and he comes out from the backroom. We make eye contact and we both begin to smile. We chat and he tells me that he is not sure that he can let me back into his life again. I begin to cry and and hand him a detailed itenerary of where I will be for the next few days, and also my New York phone number and address. I leave the bar and go directly to the park where we first kissed. As I am sitting there crying, it begins to snow and I hear someone come up behind me. Without looking, I know it is him as he quickly puts his arms around me. He tells me that he decided he would be foolish not to let me back into his life and we live happily ever after.
situation # 2:
I run into him accidentily as I am going to the theater where we did our show. I literally bump into him as I am going in and he is going out. He sees that it is me, and in a state of shock he kisses me ferociously. Then upon realizing what he has done, he pushes back and stands three feet from me. We stand in complete silence until his girlfriend comes out from the theater and asks him to introduce us. He says that I am just a girl he used to know, introduces me casually and then they walk off with his arm around her. I run to the park where I know he will come looking for me if he wants to find me, I sit on bench and wait. Finally he shows up and tells me that we all make choices in life and he has chosen her. He says that a part of him will always love me, but that he has chosen her.

Now keep in mind that I admit that I am a "terribly hopeless romantic". Obviously I am one with way to much time on her hands. I have played this over and over again in my head, each time with a different ending. Tomorrow I will share a few more of my scenerios, but for now I would like to make a few key points about the two of these.
First of all, am I crazy? Second of all, can I stand a severe broken heart if he says he doesn't want to be with me or will my heart be broken at all? Will it be a dark day or will I find the strengh to see the silver lining in the cloud that is hanging over my head? What if he says yes, and he wants to be with me forever... then what?
Ok my friends, my head is beginning to hurt and starting to spin. Until tomorrow my friends where we will have more scenerios and even more questions.

Across the miles

So here I sit, in my New York apartment, reflecting on the pieces of my Scottish love story that I have shared with you. I feel that I have been accurate and have not made the accidental shift between fact and fiction. I have showed you all a piece of my self and of my soul. I have told you one of my biggest secrets, and now I have another one to tell.
My favorite band, Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers (http://www.azpeacemakers.com/) , will be doing their first UK tour in Feb. of this year. I have followed them all over for years and seen them in over 15 different cities and in Mexico. This is big. They will be playing in Edinburgh, Glascow, Bristol, London, Nottingham, and Manchester. When my friends, who I follow them with, and I heard the announcement, we knew we had to go.
I wanted to go see the band of course, but I also had other intentions. I had an oportunity to return to Scotland. Nothing else mattered. I had a chance to find my soulmate again. So, I talked to my friends, and bought my plane tickets.
I am still in contact with some of the people I met while I was there and I am planning to see them. I am leaving New York a few days before my friends and making the journey across the miles alone. I will fly into Edinburgh, take the bus to Dundee, and then meet up with the friends I have over there.
I have to find him. I have to see him again. I don't know where he lives, or works, or his phone number, but my soul won't rest until I find him. For all these years, I have been searching for someone as great as him, and now I have the opportunity to go and get him.
Now, keep in mind that I haven't heard from him in years. He could be married... or gay... or something else, but I have to do this. I have to find him and tell him that I have loved him all these years. If nothing else, I simply have to see him again.
I don't have a plan yet, but at least I have some friends who are friends with him, or at least know him. Dundee is not that big and if I have to go in every pub and place of buisness until I find him, then I guess that is what I have to do. I will get a plan, or maybe I won't, but I am returning to Scotland. Scotland is magical and magical things happen there.
Stay tuned, for tomorrow I will give you more details about my trip, and my plans, and the greatest desires of my heart of hearts.

Trouble in paradise

So here we are for one more day of digression, and hopefully it will be the last. After the Memphis Maniac fiasco was over, life in NYC was good. Exciting and boring since I no longer had a stalker, but not the kind of boring you complain about. Then one day out of the clear, blue, winter sky, I had the brilliant idea to move to Maui. I put in for a transfer and before I knew it, I was on the sandy beaches of paradise. I was there for six months before I met him. I lived in the upstairs part of a two story duplex. One day I was sitting on my balcony with a towel on my head, smoking a cigarette, and there he was. This really attractive, blond, curly haired, shirtless, sufer dude. He was friends with my downstairs neighbors and I had never seen him before. He made eye contact with me and came bounding up my stairs. He said that I had a beautiful smile and he just had to come and introduce himself.
Now, the warning bells should have gone off in my head, but conisdering that my last boyfriend never complemented me, and I was in the middle of a year and a half dry spell, I ate it up. From that moment, the two of us were practically joined at the hip.
Let me just say that there are a lot of things that you cannot know about a person while you are simply dating them. After three months, it seemed that my roomates and his roomates had decided to move, so we were faced with a decision: stay where we were and interview and meet tons of strangers and then have to pick some to move in to our current places... or move in together and get our own place.
Obviously, the first would have beeen the best decision, but like I have said before, Hindsight is 20/20.
So, Maui Mental Case and I moved in together, which I swore I would never do, but we did it. For about a month everything seemed fine, and then he got comfortable and began to show his true colors. Now all of the details of those colors aren't really necessary, so I will give you a brief summary.
He drank too much, took too many pills, and was terrified to go to sleep at night. Now, I don't do drugs, I barely drink, and I love a good night sleep. I quickly became terrified of even having a drink because what if something happened and I had to drive one of us to the hospital. What if one of my friends was stranded on the highway and I had to go and help her. So, I quickly became angry with him, because it seemed that all he did was drink and wake me up at 4 in the morning because he wanted me to pay attention to him. P.S., don't wake me up at 4 in the morning unless you are dying or are family or are one of my very best friends in desparate need of conversation.
Finally, I woke up one morning with him screaming at me because there were pictures of me with boys on my computer, which I didn't even know he knew the password to. Mind you these were not dirty pictures, simply pictures of me that happened to have boys in them. I left the house, went to the internet cafe and bought a plane ticket home, to Memphis. I left a few days later and I wasn't planning on looking back. Then one day he calls me and asks if we were still faithfully together.
Um... I was under the impression that when I walked out and went to the airport.. that, No we weren't faithfully together, or together period. I only let the phone calls continue for a few days before I called my service provider and spoke with a delightful lady. I told her my ex boyfriend was harassing me and I needed to change my number... again. They must have me in the "ex boyfriend file" on their computers because this was definitely the third time I had changed my number in two and a half years. She was so sweet that she even waived the $36 dollar fee. Luckily, Maui Mental case wasn't as ambitious as the Memphis Maniac and never came looking for me.
So, those are my searching years. After 4 months spent living back with my parents in Memphis, I got my old job back and moved back to NYC, which is where I currently am... single and yet again in dry spell. However, I have learned that a dry spell is much more pleasant than a crazy boyfriend.
Tommorrow I will continue with my Scottish love story, because as I have said before, the story isn't over yet.